Thoughtful Thursday: Being a Mama

There are some things I was never prepared to feel as a Mama.

The almost crazy like love that I feel for my son.  Sometimes I sit and think about how much I love him and it makes me feel like I’m a bit unhinged.  How is it possible to love someone so much?  It is overwhelming, all encompassing, like nothing else.  There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

The pride I feel when my child shows his tender heart.  If he thinks I’m mad at him he comes over and gives me a hug.  Our dog had cut her paw a few weeks ago and he noticed her limping.  I told him she was hurt and he went over to her and gave her a hug and said “Awww…”  He loves wholeheartedly and it is such a beautiful thing to see.

The way it changed how I looked at my husband.  I have always loved my husband (of course, duh) but after seeing him with our son my love for him is just so much more.  He’s so good with him.  He’s patient, kind, gentle and fun.  He’s really everything a Dad should be.  Seeing how much he loves Rylan just makes me love him that much more.

The deep compassion I feel for other mamas.  If I see you in public and your child is crying my heart goes out to you.  If they’re having a melt down and you look upset I wish I could comfort you.  (I won’t though because I don’t know you and you would think I’m a weirdo.) I’ve been there.  It is frustrating.  If I see your child tell you “I love you mommy.” I am ecstatic for you and I might even get a little misty eyed.  If your child is sick, I understand how helpless you feel.  I know.  I’ve been there too.

How the death of other children would make me hold my own child tighter, longer.  When Rylan was 7 months old there was a little boy that was 5 months old a couple of towns over that went missing.  I cried thinking about what could be happening or what had happened to that innocent little boy.  I worried.  I prayed.   I held Rylan till he would sleep and I would fitfully watch him until he woke.  It shook me to the core the way things like that never had before.  I had always felt bad of course hearing those things but now the feelings became REAL.  They ended up finding him alongside the highway.  He was dead.  His own father had dumped him there and his mother was also charged in his death.  My heart still aches for this poor little boy.

How it would feel to be the most tired I’ve ever felt in my life and be the happiest I’ve ever been at the same time.  I never knew that could be possible.  I remember the first time Rylan ever smiled at me.  We were in my bedroom and he was laying in his Rock n’ Play.  He had just woken up from a nap and I was so tired from the 6 weeks of sleepless nights.  When he woke up I heard him coo and looked down at him.  I said “There’s my happy boy!” and looked at me with the biggest, gummy grin on his little face!  He was moving his little arms and cooing away!  I remember thinking that nothing was better than this.  And I cried.  Haha!

The side splitting fear that would wash over me when he would do something dangerous.  He fell of the bed when we were at a hotel in South Carolina when he was seven months old.  Jason had left to go grab us some supper and Rylan and I stayed there.  I laid him in the middle of a king sized bed, took three steps to the corner table and plugged my phone up to charge.  I looked around as soon as I plugged the charger in the wall to see him teetering on the edge of the bed.  My heart stopped.  I immediately jumped, covering the distance and catching him mid drop, skinning my knee and elbow in the process.  I cried.  My chest ached and I couldn’t put him down for a while after that.  The fear coupled with the adrenaline rush left me a crumpled, blubbering mess.  He climbs so much now.  He runs fast and jumps off of things he shouldn’t and my heart drops every single time.

Worry.  Yes, worry.  I know my child is just a toddler and that I’m just getting started in this whole worry thing.  I think this started from the moment I read that positive pregnancy test.  Will I be a good mom?  Can I keep him safe?  Will I be able to be strong enough to parent?  I still worry.  Not so much of the crazy things like “will he like me?” or “will I like him?” (haha…all sorts of crazy thing goes through a pregnant lady’s brain, y’all!  Don’t judge!)  Now I worry about him falling or getting away from me in a crowd.  Sometimes I let my mind wander to the future though and I really get scared.  I keep Philippians 4:6-7 in the back of my mind:  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I cry more.  A lot more.  And 99.9% of the time it isn’t because I’m sad.

Speaking of crying…

The way I would look at television, movies…even commercials with new (albeit, emotional) eyes.  Gone are the days that I can sit stone faced through a tear jerker of a movie.  Gone are the days that I can watch anything about a kid being kidnapped, hurt, etc. even if it has a happy ending.  No thank you.

smiling face

Being a Mama is such a whirlwind of love and emotions.

It is by far the best job I’ve ever had and it is also the hardest.

Everything I do carries more weight.  Every decision I make, everything I do revolves around what is best for my child.

I feel things so much more deeply.  My love is stronger.

This is my purpose for sure.  I am blessed.

I think it is pretty safe to say that he has turned my world every which way…and I’ve loved every minute of it!